There isn't much going on at this point that I haven't exerted some control over. It is my choice who I spend time with, it is my choice where I go, it is my choice to spend money or to not spend money, it is my choice to laugh or shut up or finally tell the truth. Just like most things, my life has turned around. I had been hoping it would, and then I realized that hoping for something is not enough. You can't just send some vibes out into the universe and hope that maybe they'll land in the correct spot. You need to walk out there and do it yourself, if you really want it.

Today I was talking to my mom and I said that a lot of people in my life expect me to put up with all of their shit and then shovel it as well. It is not an unreasonable thing to not invite someone with you every single time you do something. What is wrong with not spending all of your time with all of your friends at the same time? Sometimes you just don't want to hang out with somebody, but it doesn't mean that you don't like them. Just because macaroni and cheese is delicious doesn't mean I want to eat it every day. If I ate it every day I'd get sick of it. I think that's how I preserve my friendships - I never let them reach their breaking point. But I guess by doing that, it breaks them by default. You can't spend every waking moment with the same people, unless they're family. And even then, it's a stretch. Maybe that's why I've never had a solid crew... I get too afraid that they will get sick of me, or vice versa, and they usually do, so I move on before that can happen. I guess I have some really serious things to work out.

But for now, I'll keep going out with different friends in small, excitable groups and blasting loud music in my car on the way to parties where, without a drink in hand, I cannot take breaths that aren't shallow, labored, and scared. I'm covered in bug bites but that just means that I get out of the house a lot. The more people I meet the more I feel like I am an individual and the more I like who I am. I have been more content about the way I think other people view me as of late. I like who I am, and I like my life.

If things keep going so well, I'm headed for a giant meltdown soon. Or should I not think like that? I'm trying not to. Despite a few small setbacks, I am for the most part content.

PS. Isn't it funny how once you have resigned yourself to living with a problem, a solution appears? And you almost don't want to solve that problem because you are more comfortable putting up with it, and change, even good change, is still change?

I want stability. More than that, I want an end to stagnation. I'm waiting for my life to start. It's bizarre, because I can't just "take things into my own hands." So much at this point is up to other people. I don't have my Michigan driver's license, and until I have one, I can't get a car, and until I have a car, I can't either look for a job that's farther away than I can walk or bike, or go visit friends. I can't get my driver's license until my aunt drives me to the DMV which is pretty far away, and she's delaying that as much as possible. I can't get my car until I get my insurance, which I can't get until I get my license. I can't get a job anywhere nearby, because nobody will hire me. So I can't get a job until I get my car. I hate conditional living. But I guess it's better than not living at all.

I know what I want now in life, and what kind of people I want to live it with. So I am going to be working on creating that, but I guess the beautiful thing is that no matter how hard I work at it, life will happen regardless. You can't really make plans, but it makes me feel safer to know that I'm working on things. It's like when you fill a whole page with writing. It doesn't matter if it's drivel, you still feel accomplished.

My calendar is full, but it's all in pencil. That's only half the battle.

By effectively destroying our earth, we're preventing aliens from attacking and using our planet for its resources.
So, you know. Good job, us.

I just ate homemade pierogis and now my mouth tastes like a completely restored to original condition 1800s jailhouse.

    I'm leaving tomorrow, and of course my last day wouldn't be complete if I didn't have the pleasure of compiling, printing out, and handing in the history essays for everybody in my group. The downside is that I'm compiling, printing out, and handing in the history essays for everybody in my group. The upside is that I get to read them. Especially this one. There's a kid in our group that has never once showed up to a meeting. He claims to be second string on the football team. Bullshit. Whatever.
    So yesterday the three other members (not including the fake football player) and I met up in the library to figure out the last stage of our project. I opened up his short essay to put with the rest of ours for our main write-up. And I thought it would be funny to read parts out loud. So here are a couple gems that I loved. Keep in mind that I have to add this to the central portion of our paper... by the way, I'm not in second grade. This is an upper-level college course... and I have to put my name on this. LOVES IT!
    "Miami is in the city of Florida, a city that has a wonderful atmosphere, and as a result; Miami is a direct recipient of billions of dollars in capital due to tourism." He said city. The city of Florida. The. City. Of. Florida. I am fucked.
    "The state of tourism in Miami consists of a fairly large amount of positives, and negatives. Within the very heart of this beautiful city are the palm trees, sunny beaches, and a host of fairly attractive people all getting together to have their perfect vacation. Although that might sound like the end of the story, it is only the beginning." Beaches in Miami are gorgeous. The bitches are so-so.
    "Its obvious in every aspect, despite the trouble Miami faces in the present, tourism is the key needed to propel Miami into the immediate future." He loves the synonyms option in Microsoft Word, but he hates spell-check. Or maybe he just likes drinking Propel.

    The best part is that he wrote "mo' money, mo' problems" in his individual essay. I would pay precious amounts of money to see our professor's face when she reads that line.

I love college so much.

I don't understand something.
You'll see a picture on some blog of a celebrity of an actress that some blogger thinks is too fat, with disparaging comments about how huge and ugly she is. Then you look at yourself in the mirror and realize, I have those thighs, I have that stomach, I have those love handles, I have those arms. Then you see pictures of skinny women, with comments like "eat a cheeseburger!" And you hear about guys who think stick-thin women are gross.

So what are you supposed to do?
Too-skinny actresses are blasted for sending the wrong message to young girls, for being too masculine and unattractive to men, and for not being 'real women'.
Too-big actresses (who are, in reality, completely normal by "average person" standards) are blasted for being too lazy, for being unattractive to men, for furthering the idea of America as the land of obesity. People say that women who are in the spotlight have a duty to look good. Bullshit. An actor's duty is to act, and that's that. It's our fault that they're in the spotlight, because we're so interested in their daily lives.

Honestly, I can't stand this whole Jennifer Love Hewitt thing. All the guys who talk about how fat and disgusting she looks, how unattractive her pear-shaped body is... they all know that their girlfriend/wife/significant other looks exactly like her. Because that is what most women look like, and if you want anything different, date an airbrushed magazine cover, or better yet, a man.

If you're a man and you hate the natural female body, then date a woman that doesn't exist, a woman that is completely unnatural. A woman with fake boobs (because you clearly don't mind if that part of a woman is fat), a woman with a nose job, a woman with liposuction, a woman with leg-lengthening implants, a woman who spends all day at the gym and the salon and no time with her significant other or her family.

I'm not saying I have a problem with naturally thin women at all. Or even naturally thin women with naturally big breasts. I have a few friends built exactly like that. I have a problem with men falling in love with a completely non-existent ideal of a woman, a lump of plastic molded to look like tits and ass, and I have a problem with the media perpetuating that ideal. I have a problem with the idea that women who are "too thin" or "too fat" are unattractive. I have a problem with people putting an emphasis on working out and going on diets but not putting an emphasis on the fact that if you are within a healthy BMI range and you eat a nutritionally balanced diet (not low carb, not low fat, not packaged meals, but an actually HEALTHY diet) then it does not matter if you have a little bit of cellulite, if you have stretch marks, if your breasts are uneven sizes, if your legs are short. All that matters is that you are healthy, and everybody is SO hypocritical when it comes to that.

Okay I'm done.

i just got home super early from gio's house with james and everybody. it's weird to think that this is probably the last time we'll ever just like be in the shed drinking and chilling... but there were a lot of gross drunk girls there so that kind of softened the blow. i'm kind of buzzed still. and reallllly hungry, i had sushi and cheesecake today and that's it. but whatever.

i'm going to miss florida so much. even though it's soooo hot out and i almost died, i love it here.

anybody who thinks it's a bad thing that livejournal deleted pedophile fan fiction about harry potter and stuff raise your hand now so i can delete you from my friends list

and anybody who does this: *shakes head* or says anything in asterisks like that, you're getting deleted too

from life

lolly woke me up at 6 this morning and i couldn't go back to sleep. so i did some yoga and turned myself into a pretzel or something, and my mom made me pancakes so i had one. and then i had nothing to do so i started commenting, like everywhere, and really mean things, and really funny things, just because i wanted a response. i want to make somebody angry about something that doesn't matterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i hate when you love a song and somebody ruins it for you. the same person has ruined about 30% of my music library! i'm so glad i'm moving when i think about that person. and i'm not going to tell you who it is hahahahaaaa! i think today is a bitchy day.

i saw knocked up yesterday and this is my review: it's the 40 year old unvirgin, go see it because it's one of those catchphrase movies that will do for "shmeshmorshmon" what old school did for "earmuffs." so good. soooo gooddddddd.

i feel like i have zero control over my own life right now. so much for graduating high school, that's the only part of my life in which people admit that i have grown. NOBODY is cutting me any breaks and assigning me responsibility over my own life.
i don't have a car, i have no way to get anywhere without asking my mom and that's really lame. especially because she's crazy and reads into everything and is just weird ninety nine percent of the time. i don't even have a license, and i can't get one until i go to michigan. i won't even get a car until my aunt finds one she likes for me.
there's so much i want to be able to do and i just flat out can't.
i have a super early curfew still. i just want my mom to be able to trust me. obviously i'm not going to come home wasted at 3 in the morning just because i don't have curfew, i just don't want to have to cut everybody else's fun short by them having to leave at 11:30 to get me home by 12. i've extended it to 12:30 but it's still so lame. i'm practically an adult, i don't get it.

maybe this is why having a job is a good thing. i'm like, tethered to my mom's pocketbook. i don't know. i just want to go shopping and tanning and to the beach and do whatever while i'm still here, and i fucking can't!

ugh

i hate depending on others
i just want to live my lifeeeeeee